i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
