I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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