Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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