don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
