why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
