Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
