What did we do last night that was yellow?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
