she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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