the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so let's talk penis.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
