Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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