as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
