I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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