You just made me feel so damn special
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
