The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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