Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
