I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
