Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
