Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
