I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
