Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
