He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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