Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
