our cab driver is having phone sex.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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