her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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