my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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