i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
