totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
