Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
