Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
