Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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