I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
