the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
