I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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