I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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