You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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