I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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