mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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