i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
