i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
