he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
