I met the friendliest cop last night
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
