I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
