my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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