WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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