your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
