I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know her cup size but not her name....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
