And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
