my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
