Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
