I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
