he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
