: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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